Finding Triumph in the Cesarean Birth of My First Baby

By Birth N Wellness Hub

Ok first I must admit, it took me years to sit and truly write down my first Baby’s birth story. I didn’t want to relive the difficult moments and I just wanted to hold on to the good memories from that day. But as years went by I came to an understanding that good memories are not the only thing that matters. There is value through the difficult moments too. Those moments help shape us to who we are and who we are becoming. Those moments we can use to share and serve others. To get to this point I had to take a step back, relax, and find the triumph in that special day in my life that has change me forever in so many ways...

It was 2004, I was about to become a new Mom. I didn’t have a clue about what to expect. I was afraid, uncertain and felt pretty alone during that time. The one thing that help me to keep it together was the precious life I was carrying. I knew my life would change and needed to. Not just for me but for him.
 
The estimated due date was December 9th and for unspecified reasons the Midwife at the clinic I was seeking care at wanted me to do a stress test at the Hospital weekly for the baby. I didn’t question it. I figured why should I, she is the Midwife working at the clinic and would know best.
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I will never forget, December 7th as it was my last day of Art class. I was working toward earning my degree in Multimedia Designs, still with my canvas in hand heading straight to the hospital for the routine stress test. Class was finally done so I figure I can now concentrate more on the excitement I was starting to feel about bringing forth this new little life that has been growing inside of me for the last 9 months. I wondered for months what would he look like. Would he have my eyes; would he be born with a ton of hair just like how I was when I was born. I wanted to see and hold him so desperately. I was also so over pregnancy as the last months were really tiring.
 
So there I was 2 days before the estimated due date right after finals, after being checked vaginally by the Doctor on call, there was a slight dip in the heart rate but it quickly went back. Which I later found out that can happen with a vaginal exam and is normal. The Doctor said I was staying to be induced. So without any thought, questions or knowledge as to what this can possibly mean for my baby, and me I just went along with it. I was excited to possibly be able to see my first beautiful baby.  Induction was to start the next day, December 8th around 10 am. With excitement I called my Mother to tell her the news.
 
The next day induction began as planned. I had no idea that being on Pitocin raised high would work against my baby and body. And I had no idea that it would be so painful not allowing my body the breaks in between which it would have gotten if my contractions were brought on naturally without pit. I also didn’t know that this would cause many dips in my son’s heart rate.  I also didn’t know that I had the rights to stop it all and go home since I was barely even a centimeter dilated. I had no idea that the doctor breaking the amniotic sac with nurses holding me down because I was moving around do to the pain was a wrong thing to do on their part. Because for one I had to give consent and didn’t. I didn’t even know I had the right to consent or decline any of these interventions. Also, I had not dilated enough to justify any of it even being helpful at that point.
 
My body was not ready to release my son and the pain was so unbearable that after 5 hours on pit raised high, broken amniotic sac and barely 2 Centimeters I finally caved for the epidural that the nurses kept telling me I should get. 16 minutes on epidural, my son’s heart rate went down again and I was wheeled off to give birth by C-section. 
 
While I was not able to hold him right away and I was in and out of consciousness I have some memories I hold deep in my heart. I would never forget his first cries as they pulled him out of my abdomen. He had such a unique cry. I would never forget the feel of his warm body has they placed him on my abs which I assume it was for them to cut the umbilical cord. But I felt his body there. I don’t know what part of my abs because I know I had areas of numbness too for surgery. But I felt him! I couldn’t believe I was feeling my baby for the first time. Not the way I had dreamed but I felt him on my body. I heard his cries. Despite being in and out of consciousness I heard his cry. I wanted so bad to see him. I have waited for him for months and I wanted so bad to see him. But it felt so good to hear him. And tell him Momma if here. One nurse brought him to my face. I got to kiss him. I couldn’t believe he was here. I felt so in love with him. 
 
After the surgery I started to shake and almost needed blood. The Anesthesiologist said he was going to try one more thing before calling it in. Whatever he did worked because my body calmed and shakes slowly went always. Till this day I have no idea what that was all about. I never questioned any of it. It took between 5-8 hours after surgery for them to hand me my beautiful first-born baby. But when I got to hold him and fully saw him for the first time I finally knew what love is all about.
 
I spent years saddened not understanding why. I had Emotional birth trauma and didn’t even know that existed. But birth trauma is a real thing. I had to work through it by talking more about my story to those who were willing to listen. I worked through it by holding on to the precious memories I had when I felt my son on my abs and hearing his first cries. I worked through it by keeping the memories of the first time I got to hold him. I worked through it by knowing I was not alone. There are many other women who have suffered some sort of trauma through birth. I worked through it by realizing his birth made me who I am today. I am now a Doula and Childbirth Educator. I love sharing information about pregnancy and birth with other women and families. It was because of his birth along with my other children’s births that lead me to this point. Not every difficult situation is a defeat. Our stories hold value. If you have suffered emotional birth trauma know that your story has value. And has healing occurs triumph can be found through it all.
 
So on his birthday, I celebrate the day for not only the day he was born but the day of victory through the trials. I celebrate all the wonderful memories and lessons I was blessed enough to learn through his birth. I found my Triumph through the Cesarean Birth of My First Born and We will celebrate.
 
Much love and blessings to all <3

​Rosemarie

​Our First Picture Together ❤️